Laughter Is Medicine 2 :-)
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
Here is some “laughing matter” for a bit of comic relief, starting with Albert Einstein with whom (and just 16,438,356.16 others ;-) I proudly share my birthday...
Laughter Is Medicine 1 (seriously!) introduces you to the healing power of laughter, including curing “incurable” disease(!), the direct influence of emotions on the immune system, the man who “laughed his way to health” and other VIPs (very important points)...
Detailed introduction to the link between Emotions & Cancer and Healing Cancer & Your Mind, including insights and studies into the “cancer personality”, the power of thought to make ill & to heal and the crucial role of positive emotions for health maintenance and in healing cancer and other disease.
An extra tip: Go here when all else on this page leaves you cold: “Cheer yourself up”: www.cse.unsw.edu.au/~geoffo/humour/flattery.html
A letter to agony aunt: ”I love her, she loves me. Our parents agree.
What can I do?”
"For some people work is a pain in the neck.
However I have a much lower opinion of it."
THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION AND HEALTH
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
TEQUILA CHRISTMAS CAKE
1 cup of water
1 tsp. baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 cup of brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 bottle of tequila
2 cups of dried fruit
Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it’s best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup..... just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit up off the floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat. CHERRY MISTMAS! and a YAPPY HEW NEAR !!!
The following short quiz consists of four questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. The questions are NOT difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator? Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All of the animals attended except one. Which animal did not attend the conference?
Correct Answer The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. Remember, you just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer You jump into the river and swim across it. Have you not been listening to anything I've said? All of the crocodiles are attending the animal conference called by the Lion King. This tests whether you learn quickly from your previous mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around ninety (90%) percent of all professionals tested got all of the questions wrong, but many of the preschoolers tested got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. . .
"God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks," Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute".
A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners whom he knew as being an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes had a film of grease to which was clinging tiny particles of dried food. "Um, Sister, did you forget to wash these dishes?"
"Pastor, they're as clean as soap and water could get them." He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. The food was delicious, the appearance of the dishes notwithstanding. The Pastor was generous with his compliments, and wondered to himself if he had offended his hostess. When dinner was over, the parishioner took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
A woman hurt her knee and was told by the doctor that she mustn’t climb any stairs for a month.
When her knee was better, she went back to the doctor and asked:
“Is it all right for me to climb stairs now?”
“Certainly, replied the doctor.
”What a relief” said the woman. ”I was getting fed up with climbing the drainpipe.”
Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large meal. "Your wife makes a delicious roast," one chief said. "Thanks," his friend said, ... "I'm gonna miss her."
A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"I'll believe in reincarnation in my next life."
Here's the exercise program I'm using to stay in shape this year. You
might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.
AS ALWAYS, CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM.
NOW SCROLL UP...
Okay, that's enough for the first day! <whew>
ITALIAN PASTA DIET
IT REALLY WORKS !!
1) You walka pasta da bakery.
2) You walka pasta da candy store.
3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.
I went to the U.S. Patent Office to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk asked me what I'd invented.
I said, "A folding bottle."
She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"
"What else do you have?"
"A folding carton."
"What do you call it?" "A Farton."
She snickered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."
I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without telling her about my folding bucket.
A farmer in Kansas had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of attractive women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
COLLEGE ENTRANCE EXAM - FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION
Time Limit: 3 Weeks. Pick 3 questions to answer.
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions - or - give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY?
4. Metric conversion: How many feet in 0.0 meters?
5. How many of the Ten Commandments was Moses given?
6. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners
7. Spell: Bush, Carter and Clinton
8. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
9. What are coat hangers used for?
10. The Star Spangled Banner is the national anthem of what country?
11. Where is the basement in a three-story building located?
12. Advanced math: If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
1 large elephant
Plenty of brown gravy
salt and pepper to taste
2 whole rabbits (optional)
Cut elephant into bite-sized pieces (allow about 2 months to do this). Hold trunk aside, you can use it to store the pieces. Place elephant in large (very large) pot; add enough gravy to cover. Cook over kerosene fire at 450 degrees for about 4 weeks, or until done. Serves 3,800. (If more guests are expected, 2 rabbits may be added. However, this should be done only if absolutely necessary since most people do not like to find hare in their stew.)
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY:
8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 a.m. Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 a.m. Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!
11:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
12 Noon - Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 p.m. Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 p.m. Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite!
5:00 p.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 p.m. Oh, boy! Pretty Mums! My favorite!
6:00 p.m. Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 a.m. Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite!
8:30 p.m Oh, boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!
EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:
Day 183 of My Captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking, almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time. . .
The pope had to go for a drive in his limousine.
He told the chauffeur that he wants to drive himself.
This has never happened and the chauffeur objected fearing for his job, but then he gave in and sat in the back and the pope drove -
Before long he went well above the speed limit.
The chauffeur was scared.
They were stopped by police.
The policeman took one look inside and said "just a minute please".
He went to his car, called his superior, saying:
"I stopped someone important speeding"
"Well, give him a ticket"
"But... it is someone very important"
"How important? The major?"
"No, much higher up than that"
"What - the governor?"
"No... I think... it's God"
"God!!!??? - How do you get that idea?
"Because He has the pope as his chauffeur"
“...for all of you that have to suffer with Windows like I do”
The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10.This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please logoff."
11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20. User Error: Replace user.
21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
22.Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
AT THE FUNERAL
Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say? "
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
THE BIBLE ACCORDING TO KIDS............
a. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.
b. Adam and Eve were created from an Apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.
c. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
d. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
e. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
f. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
g. Moses led the Jews to the Red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
h. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert, afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
i. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
j. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
k. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
l. The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
m. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar.
n. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
o. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
p. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
q. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
r. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
s. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone.
t. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
u. The epistels were the wives of the apostals.
v. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taxi-man.
w. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.
x. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
SOFTWARE VS HARDWARE
MICROSOFT SHOULD MAKE CARS, GM SHOULD MAKE SOFTWARE. At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.
9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.
How many psychotherapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.
"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
Notice in a shop:
"Don't be cheated elsewhere. Come in here."
"Before the Thatcher Government came to power we were on the edge of an economic precipice.
Since then we have taken a great step forward."
"Darling, if we get married, do you think you will be able to live on my income?
Of course, darling, but what are you going to live on?"
"The income tax authorities have made up a new tax form with only two lines:
1. How much do you earn?
2. Send it."
"Money doesnt buy happiness. A man with 10 million dollars is no happier than a man with $ 9 million."
"Party leader Honnecker was lying in bed with his mistress.
She: Darling, please forgive me for bringing this up again, but why don't we pull down that nasty Berlin wall?
He: (after a long pause, with a smile of relief):
Oh, I see what you mean, darling. You want to be alone with me, don't you?"
"Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity."
Tip of the day: Did you know that chocolate is GOOD
"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."
Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson)
"I have experienced many terrible things in my life - some of them actually happened."
"The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
"Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!"
"My idea about an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me."
"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say, and then don't say it."
"I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks."
Joe E. Lewis
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something."
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying."
"Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy".
"Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair."
"Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they have stolen."
"When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault."
"I don't understand you. And you don't understand me. What else do we have in common?"
And of course...
I don't suffer from insanity
..... I enjoy every minute of it!